10 tips on Propping up Your Rep

(This article is put for humorous purposes only and shouldn’t be taken seriously. Born Black doesn’t share or endorse any of the ideas reflected in the article.)

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2010 is almost half way and majority of us have done all we can in a bid to upgrade our rep so as to acquire the desired attention from the so called “hip”. Here are a few tips for those who want to be considered classy like Halle Berry, influential like Desmond Tutu and responsible like Robert (Kennedy, not Mugabe lest I lose my credibility).

Propping up your rep in a modern day world, defies logic as it is not a one-two, tip tap (Brazilian soccer) progression. However, it can still be guaranteed that if these tips are religiously adhered to, lots of improvements are bound to occur within you. I also must emphasise here that if after applying these tips, your rep is still stagnant, then you must accept your destiny. I can give you just one more tip; join a suitable religious order (e.g. The Holy Sisters of St Louis or the Deeper Life Fellowship where makeup is not allowed). This way, you can be sure it’s you and God till the end. How sweet!

Here are 10 tips on propping up your rep:

Talk: Avoid loud talk. Talk less (listen more) and always to the point in order to avoid playing the nuisance (I call this the C Tucker Syndrome). Like Pope John Paul II, be sincere in your speech. Always say yes or no. Talk only good about others. This way you get to admire only the good in others, thus developing yourself. This is a major problem. For instance when Ethiopia’s Liya Kebede was classed top model, many kept saying “I think she would have looked better with an extra plate of rice.”

Hairstyle/makeup:  Make up to look the best for your sex. This is the best way to attract the opposite sex. Stop attracting members of your own sex. Most African men would rather have a lady with a nice hair style. Seeing men with extra long hair is as off as wearing a Dashiki with Kung Fu slippers. Ladies should avoid wearing excessive makeup. Stop dressing up for the circus. My ex girl friend drove me nuts when, she had the nerve to tell me “Honey, I want a real man”, after putting on so much make up.

Dressing: Be decent. The best way of getting the attention of the opposite sex is by keeping them guessing and imagining what you’d look like unwrapped. When you expose it all, what’s next? It’s not compulsory you cover up from head to toe but your skirts and dresses should not be too high above the knees. The first commandment of being classy is this: WEAR AUTHENTIC DESIGNERS. It doesn’t matter whether foreign or local. Hip people never put on Parasco Jeans. As a lady, if you must be in tights, be sure your figure is well aligned in them. Avoid jovial shoes (shoes torn in front). You are first judged by your shoes, then by your watch. It’s of course better to enter an area bare footed or without a watch than entering with “just a watch”. Forget the saying “it tells the time”. WE ALL KNOW THE TIME. You might find this hard to swallow but it’s better to have a parked Ferrari than a working Beetle.

Mobility: Being mobile is not compulsory but the prospects of being or not being mobile can best be summarised in 5 words. He who walks, walks alone.  Don’t blame the ladies. No one wants to condemn him or herself to everlasting poverty. Ladies with expensive cars might ward off potential husbands who feel intimidated or better-said, scared of receiving the popular 2 inch nail “NO”. If you agree with this, get a pair of clogs (noisy ones) and you’re rided. For the gentle men, if you own an expensive car (not daddy’s), endeavour to park it where everyone that matters can see it. If its thaaaaaaaaaat expensive, put a mark on it (say a sticker). That way it would never be mistaking for Lil Wayne’s. It’s yours!

Remembering important dates: Always honour important dates. You could be excused for failing to honour a few but there are two dates blacks never forget. Weddings and funerals. BE THERE!

Gifts: Be smart in giving gifts. Gifts tell a lot about your personality and how much you care. Does this imply that giving your wife a ring worth just 2 escudos means you don’t want to keep her for long? Well, to say the least, yeah. I cry whenever I say this: People with money are treated differently. Lots of ladies shy away from hunger ravaged looking men. I always go anaemic whenever I hear ladies say, “money does not make the man”.

Hang outs and eat outs: Unequivocally and succinctly, only the best hang out with the best. Hip people can never be caught eating in low class unhealthy public joints. If you have to be caught eating in a roadside joint, let it be at gunpoint. Never play snooker under a shed. It’s no use. Buy roadside goods but only at night. Being caught in a classless joint is as unforgivable as a professor  found guilty of plagiarism. Your rep would fall like dominos. Your rep would be unredeemable. Death might be inevitable. Those are heavy words that cannot be put milder. Gone are the days when people ate only rice, pork and chips etc in public. Nowadays, meals like pounded yam and injera are now in vogue. AVOID BBC (bread banana combo) LIKE A PLAGUE. It might do well for the body but certainly not for the reputation and, if you are engaged, the reality of a final matrimony is much less certain. If you must spend the night in a hotel, anything short of a 5 star hotel is just as good as staying in Soweto.

Time spending: Eventually you will acquire this important skill. You must know how to hang around the hip joints. In such places, talk big. Talk millions. Even if you have but a few Cedis, open an account in the biggest bank and expose your cheque book at all times. Never beg for money. Behave connected. Diss yourself to hype yourself. Believe me, it works, Michelle jilted me for Barrack.

Party zones: The more parties you attend the better. Remember the White House Crashers? Their rep soared to the heavens. It doesn’t matter if an Angolan primary school teacher is celebrating his 5th year anniversary of the painting of his house. Just be available (if the venue is cool). Important people could be there so go with your business cards. Never be seen with a nuisance like Woods in such parties, as the first impression you give will stick forever. Brothers do not have time. If you’re hanging out with the best, people would say, “who’s that man”.

For the ladies, it’s most important to go to parties with something to read. If the right guy approaches you, you’re available. However, if it’s Mr. Wrong, you can always be asked to be excused as you are busy reading your magazine. He’ll understand if you’re reading Born Black. Whatever you do, always remember that the Federal Ministry of Health warns that flirting around is hazardous to your health.

The positive effects of hanging out in party zones on your rep can never be over emphasised. I always summarise this to my numerous students all of whom have been successful (with the exclusion of Bush). (i) Be there. (ii) Sit next to whoever has the hottest profile (say the Queen of England). (iii) DON’T stare at the camera but know where it is. (iv) The second you sense the camera is about to be focused on you quickly ask a question so the fellow by your side starts talking just as the camera is fixed on both of you (Very important - make sure you are not the one talking). (v) Lastly give a tired face so it appears he or she has been talking and boring you all day. With this, you’re set for life.

Your love life: Guess you’ll love to crown your life with a lovely lifetime mate. Let no one fool you. Black marriages do last. Some people just want a soul mate. Others just want to get married, keep their spouse at home and do their runnings elsewhere. This is a wrong concept as a happy home can only be built on openness, honesty and sincerity. Marriage is not 50-50. It could be 80-20. One thing’s clear, it adds up to 100%.
    
About sex, here Christianity and Islam are in concert. Having sex is as natural as breathing, but God says you must hold your breath until you are married. Never go into marriage with a worn out body. Guys just wanna have fun. If you must keep him remember, sex is like a bank account, when he withdraws, he loses interest.

Well there you are, I must add, beefing up your image is extremely difficult. It takes lots of commitment and hard work. Believe me, it takes years. After all, Nelson Mandela was made one day, neither were we, the Born Black Crew.

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